November 12, 2010

Sunsaan Mahan- unreleased cinema

I watched this before Halloween, but have been very busy at work since then, and haven't been able to blog till now. Even now, I really shouldn't be blogging, but working/studying, but that's once of my many sins so lets get on with it!

As is often on this blog, Sunsaan Mahal is a super low-budget film. The cover art of the CD has nothing to do with the movie inside. The beige colored ghost and the building on the cover are never to be seen, and the strange red triangle emanating out of the vampire's mouth is never touched upon either- which may be just as well! Also thankfully, the full-on porn shot in the lower-right hand corner is never presented either.

Title: Sunsaan Mahal (lonely/empty mansion)
Year: ????
Cast: Priyanka, Usmaan, Ronit Roy.

Often in Bollywood, movies begin filming, but are canned after a few reels and never completed. At other times, almost completed films languish for years and may never see release. What happens to these movies? Most often, nothing at all. At other times, some savvy producer decides to have these pieced together by some unfortunate editor, and release the unholy mess.

This movie is one of those. The producer attempts to convert snippets of unsuccessful movies into horror movie vignettes, and is highly, and hilariously, unsuccessful.

The movie begins with several shots of this mansion. I don't know why.

Priyanka plays a scriptwriter who has come to narrate her potential movie scripts to Usmaan, a popular producer, whose office is in the mansion above. some of these people are highly unattractive. Some of these people look like they are just hanging out, and having a really bad day. While Priyanka hangs out and begins her narrations, the rest of the office is done for the day. Two guys even discuss how suspicious Priyanka looks. Guy #1 does look like a fat Indian exec, but guy #2 looks like he is going late-night disco jogging (why else the black and yellow outfit with racing shoes?).
Vignette #1: The same mansion, in the same light. This is obviously a real movie that Usmaan actually made with the producer. 6 very mature college students, in classic horror movie style, stop at a lonely mansion in the middle of the night. Usmaan is the caretaker who lets them in.

After making some crazy faces in front of the camera,Usman vanishes out of the vignette, and the vignette vanishes out of the movie. What happened to the 6 students? Did anyone survive? We will never know!
Vignette #2: By this time, I was really confused, and thinking maybe someone from the 1st vignette would show up again. Nope. Not gonna happen. Then, as abruptly as the 1st one ended, the 2nd vignette begins.

A policeman in khakis is driving his van really fast. Who knows where.
In another part of town, this crappy Don (whose name I don't remember, so lets just go with Don here), is hanging out with a REALLY fat and ugly moll and a random gang of thugs,. His den is very blah, and looks suspiciously like the room Priyanka is narrating her script in. What do I know anyways????
The Don is good and mad at the policeman, and so has hired a special Hitman- sorry Hitwoman. Yes she is a lady and she is scary!!! Mind you, she does arrive at the den on a dark and stormy night- BUT she drives a dinky little compact Maruti 800 from the 80s, so that reduces the fear factor somewhat :) She does favor fake leather and fake animal skin, but after losing street cred with a crap car, she ain't gaining it back anytime soon :)

Meanwhile, Policeman makes a ransom patriotic speech somewhere in the DAY.
But by the time he and his family are driving back from the event, it is the middle of the NIGHT (must have been some celebrations I guess. The heck I'd know).
The Hitwoman stops and shoots the Policeman. Easy deasy. Lots of crying here.
Meanwhile, our erstwhile narrator, Priyanka is at it!
She had been narrating stories,

When two random friends of hers drop by.The producer's friends (who have also dropped in) are really happy to see them,
And are really enthu about spending time alone with them,
... which unfortunately is resulting in bad things happening :D
The unfortunate state of his quick-deceasing friends is unknown to Usmaan, who is spellbound by Priyanka's stories :)
Vignette #2 (continued): At least I THINK its the same vignette. The Policeman had a no-good brother, who is a frequent guest of the police. There is a female officer who appears to be sweet on him.

When the Brother is finally let out, he makes friends with a random Muslim (we know he is Muslim because they make him wear very prominent accessories representing his faith). Muslim friend has his own tragic back story involving a dead sister and evil policeman.

Meanwhile, evil Don is still plotting, this time with evil lawyer.
In a completely random scene in this film of random scenes, the officer who is sweet on the Brother resigns when Brother breaks out of jail.
Somehow, the producer thinks these are great stories. He keeps sending out his friends with Priyanka's friends. All the ladies turn into vampires and kill the super lecherous men.

Vignette#3: We get a very local song, probably made up by someone who never graduated middle school. It looks like ninjas, dacoits (!) and dons are all congregated in a hut, but the narrator tells us its a minister carrying on his lascivious activities. I don't believe it.
Vignette #4: Out of nowhere at all, Ronit Roy, a popular television actor, appears out of nowhere in policeman costume and starts whaling away at thugs at the police station. Again, the set looks the same as Vignette 3, but why judge?After a while, a lawyer comes to bail out the guy Ronit's been whaling at. Ronit is super pissed, and that's the last we see of him, as well as this vignette!
Vignette #2, continued: Yep, its back to Brother and Muslim friend. They go ahead and kill a evil lawyer in a drive-by at the local courts. fun!

And then Muslim friend and Brother are captured and presented to the evil Don.

Where they find that good Policeman's widowed wife and kid and 2 ladies (who must be their girlfriends) are being held captive by the evil Don.
Meanwhile, shots are heard, and evil thugs are falling off fences backwards. Who could it be?
Yes, its the ex-policewoman who HAD resigned, but is now miraculously back in uniform. She is with a random fellow-policeman, and they are shooting thugs BACKWARDS! how bad ass.
So a big fight commences. Everybody gets into it. Remember crazy Hitwoman? She comes back to menace the Policeman's widow and kid empty barrel. fun!
The Policewoman event shoots Brother by mistake. Oops. Too late now. Brother be dead.

Since obviously you aren't confused enough. The editor takes us back- to Priyanka and Usmaan. Looks like everyone has been killed off here as well, and Usmaan and a lady assistant of his are alone with Priyanka.Whereupon Priyanka puts on fake teeth and begins to advance on Usmaan. Watch how the assistant begins to run off....

..and then unable to act much, just whimpers and falls and acts generally invisible. fun!
For some incomprehensible reason, Priyanka magics away Usman's clothes (!!!)
..and kisses him to death. Eugh. Poor Priyanka. Its obvious that while Usman is screaming and yelling, he is totally into the scene. Grossness.
While the "narration" has technically ended, the editor is unable to help himself- he has to show us the remaining portion of the sad movie this sadder movie may have been. We jump back to Vignette #2 (continued), where the good Policeman's kid comes to his mom's rescue and ...
..shoots Hitwoman! Oh noes!

But all is forgiven, 'cos whats a dead Hitwoman in a Z-grade movie?


This was a really exhausting film, but I stuck through it, headache and all. You, and everyone else, musnt see it. This is the REAL video that kills :D