August 24, 2010

Bhoot Haveli

My apologies in advance to folks' religious sensibilities.

Title: Bhoot Haveli (Ghost Mansion) Year: No one (no censor certificate, no IMDB mentions) knows- if you do, enlighten me. I'm estimating anywhere between 1995-2005. Cast: Random people, along w/ a guy who can be irreverently called Sleazy Jesus ("SJ")

This is one of those super-low production value horror films that you were always warned against, and opens with 3 couples coming to live in a lonely haveli (mansion) in the backwaters. They are here for "research," but we already know that no ghost would ever approve of their plans for the couples to share rooms. All boy-girl pairs though- same sex couples would kill the ghost from shock I suspect.

And here is Anthony, the 2nd lead, who can only be described as a bizarro version of our Lord. His name, btw, is pronounced Ann-Tho-Nee throughout the film.
Next comes the montage that you are soon going to get used to, since its repeated every 15 minutes- every time night falls or something hokier than the cast is happening.

Scared? No? don't worry, you aren't alone. Night falls ( as it will), and when the hero shimmies up to the heroine in a virgin white bathrobe, we are truly petrified. The girl chooses to spend the night on the chair though, so no hanky panky, and the ghost sleeps in peace.

The next morning is busy though; 2 of the girls explore the mansion in terrible clothes, SJ and the hero interrogate the servants about the mansion, the servants themselves appear nonplussed and our heroine visit's Luciya's grave (Luciya who you ask? its the gravestone the director's been flashing at us since the beginning, without explanation, so preserve!)

Night falls (as again, it will), and the least of the three couples gets frisky, and therefore, per movie law, are killed off by our friendly neighborhood ghost.
These two dead, the others hold a meeting to discuss the deaths. Nothing much happens except the hero going at Lucia's grave in his white bathrobe. Dont ask me why.
The ghostie doesn't get bothered, because the other girl is indulging in some idol worship (aww)
The other night is a different story though; the praying girl wants to get it on w/ SJ, who is wearing THE HERO"S WHITE BATHROBE! I ask you, what's going onnn???? Are they more than friends? are they just passing the time with these ladies? we don't get to know, cos ghostie aint having none of that either! After a lot of useless flailing, this couple also bites the dust.

The next morning, its our final couple left, and they aren't too upset when they find the praying girl's corpse. However, finding Ann-Tho-Nee (or SJ)'s corpse is a different matter- the hero carries on with much gnashing of teeth and hugging and such, and vows revenge (REVENGE!)

The servants' have kinda also had it by now. One of them rushes off to the local Catholic priest, who has really amazing hair. They have a unique face-to-face confessional, where the servant admits he was witness to Luciya (with a Y!)'s murder, by this guy who lived in the mansion, and used to randomly rape and kill women. When Luciya caught him, he killed her, and threatened the servant with death, and took off somewhere. The servant himself told no one, and Luciya's ghost has since been happily killing people, rather than seeking revenge on the murderer. Whatever.

Meanwhile, Luciya's ghost has full-on occupied our heroine's body, which has given her supernatural powers, an evil mind AND a new wardrobe.

So the priest takes off the ghost with his handy dandy silver cross (MORE idol worship), and the ghost leaves the heroine by shrouding her face in flames briefly.
The heroine' fainted, so the hero begins his gnashing of teeth etc. again- and we see that the heroine slowly comes to, and lo- she has again changed into regular clothes! They shake hands with the priest, and the movie ends with an AMAZINGLY slimy wink by the hero.
Gross! This one image makes me feel dirty and in need of a shower!

This was a horrible movie, directed by someone who credited himself as "SAJ-J-AN," which cannot be real. There is NO cinematic value to this desecration, which is in essence its selling point. Its watchable with the remote firmly in hand, fast forwarding as needed. Fun!

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